CHILDHOOD
I grew up in Iowa in a large family. I always knew that my parents loved me. They had good moral standards and we went to church. God was respected in our family but not a big part of our lives.
Dad was an awesome provider and protector, but he could also be critical, negative, and impatient. Unfortunately, I picked up these negative characteristics. I also kept some significant distance between Dad and me, and I now realize that this left me with major unmet needs, and probably also an incorrect view of my heavenly Father. I've recently been learning that God isn't negative and critical; He's actually a wonderful comforter that I can go to when I get discouraged. Psalm 147:3 says that He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds and sorrows.
In my family, when I was young, no one talked about their weaknesses, struggles or feelings. So I never talked about these things, which didn't work too well for me because I had lots of struggles, weaknesses, insecurities and feelings. I feared that if I shared this stuff, I'd be the object of ridicule, so I kept it to myself. I felt generally uncomfortable with all of humanity except my immediate family. I was extremely shy and quiet. It would've been nice if I could have talked it all over with God, but God was a stranger to me; a scary stranger. This was before I came to Jesus. I didn't realize that I didn't need to be afraid, because Jesus loves sinners (Romans 5:8), and His tender mercies are over all (Psalm 145:9). Ephesians 1:4 says that God chose me in Christ before He created the world, which means that the Lord was with me in all of my childhood sadness, and He was already seeing me as His beloved child even before I came to know Him.
I told myself a lie, which I believed: that I was a social failure. In reality, the most significant problem in my social life was that I believed this lie. To a 5-year-old girl, being a social failure is the end of the world. I couldn't find the courage to interact with my peers, so I spent six and a half years being very lonely (after which God sent me some wonderful friends). During the lonely years, I felt very insignificant and worthless. I didn't know that the God who names all the stars and watches over every sparrow had His loving eyes on me. I thought that God didn't care about ordinary, boring people like the person I thought I was. But God did care about me. First Corinthians 1:27-28 says that God chooses weak, foolish and despised people. He doesn't love us because we have anything special going for us; He just loves us.
After awhile I shut down my heart so I didn't feel pain. I didn't trust others with my heart. I focused on being a good girl and getting good grades, and that's what my [pretty low] self-esteem was built on. I gave up on hoping for a social life. I wanted to be popular, but I knew that I was too shy for that. I saw this social inadequacy as a huge negative; I hated being shy.
MIDDLE/HIGH SCHOOL
In seventh grade I started hanging out with some girls who became really good friends. We were typically immature middle schoolers: we passed notes in class and made fun of teachers and peers. I was a happier person, but not a nice person. I'm not proud of that part of my history. I remember that once during high school, a guy that I liked told me that I had a "biting wit." Evidently my critical attitude came out in my humor. I thought this was normal. I thought everyone was like that. I didn't understand grace and unconditional acceptance because I didn't know the God who is the source of these. I evaluated everyone as either better than me, not as good as me, or equal with me, based on my own standards. I evaluated myself the same way. No wonder I didn't trust anyone with my heart. That legalistic thinking is harsh.
During middle school, I went to confirmation class, where I learned for the first time that Jesus' death was the reason we can be forgiven and go to heaven. I believe that the Lord opened my mind to understand this; this was one my first significant connections with spiritual truth. I remember praying every night that I would do God's will. After awhile I got tired of always praying the same thing, so I stopped.
During my high school years, I wanted a boyfriend, but it just didn't work out that I ever dated a guy I really liked. I spent a lot of time wishing that a guy would consider me special and that I'd be important to him. In retrospect, I think I was searching for God. My favorite Bible verse is Psalm 139:1, which says, "O Lord, You have searched me and known me." This verse says to me that God loves me and considers me important enough for Him to give me His constant attention. (See also Song of Solomon 4:9, 7:10.) Ladies, no mere mortal can give you that much loving attention.
COLLEGE
As soon as I began my freshman year at Iowa State, God began to pursue me, and it was obvious. The fact that I was not searching for Him did not deter Him. I met a lot of Christians, and they talked about the gospel. I believed in Jesus, but I was giving Him a maximum of one hour a week (and I wasn't enjoying that hour). I began to be afraid of going to hell. But I didn't know that the Lord really loved me. And I was worried that He would want me to preach to people, and I'd be labeled a Jesus freak and would lose friends. One day when I was walking to class, Matthew 28:20 came into my head. It was a verse I'd seen on a Rally Day button at my Lutheran church back home. In that verse Jesus said, "I am with you always, even to the end of the age." The Lord used this verse to show me that He wanted to be with me every minute of my very ordinary life. That said love to me, and I decided that I could give my heart to Him, which I believe kicked off a jubilation party in heaven!
I started going to church, and I was happy to find people there who were actually trying to live according to what the Bible says. That was what I wanted to do too. I began to tell others about Jesus because I realized that they had a desperate need to escape hell. I also felt that it was up to us humans to spread the gospel, and I wasn't really trusting God to see to it that this mission was accomplished. That was stressful.
MARRIAGE!
Fast forward ten years. I married my best friend Jeff. He is a huge blessing to me, and to this day I truly enjoy having him in my life.
SELF SUFFICIENCY IS AN OXYMORON
Fast forward about thirteen more years: shortly before our fifth child was born, I decided [belatedly] that I needed to be a kinder and more loving mom. I prayed and I tried and I tried and I prayed. I don't think I changed much, but I did get frustrated and discouraged, and although I knew that I was a new creature in Christ, I didn't really believe that in my heart. I disliked myself a lot. Eventually it became clear that my failings as a mom were significant and high impact. I now see that God was bringing me to the end of myself so I could learn that the Christian life cannot be lived by self-effort. My self-effort bore ugly fruit such as Pharisee-like self-righteousness and legalism, and Martha-like prioritizing of projects [good godly projects] over people (Luke 10:38-42). And guilt-ridden, anxiety-ridden perfectionism. Here's what God taught me: He is the only source of spiritual life, and He's the only One who can make the river of living water flow through us so we can love with true and unselfish love. We have to look to the Lord for everything, and He even gives the grace to do that.
SELF IMAGE
Another result of my various failures throughout my life was that I didn't like myself very much. God and some wise people helped me sort out the lies from the truth about my identity, and the identity of every Christian. Jesus shed His precious blood to save us--that's how much God values us. If God says we're valuable and precious, then WE ARE. ALL of us. Romans 6:6 says that the Christian's sinful self is dead. Romans 5:17 says that we have received righteousness as a gift. In Christ we are righteous (2 Corinthians 5:21). Hebrews 8:10 says that God writes His laws in our minds and hearts. Second Corinthians 5:17 says we're new creatures in Christ.
We're not sinners.
We're not selfish.
We're in Christ and He's in us.
WE ARE GOOD.
If we get down on ourselves, we are not believing what God says about us, and that's wrong.
SPIRITUAL WARFARE
See my blog posts from January 24, 2010, July 16, 2010, and September 26, 2010 (the part titled "A Surprise". We overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us!
LATEST UPDATE ON WHAT I'M LEARNING
God has been teaching me more about my identity in Christ. We Christians are in a covenant relationship with God, which means that He has made us one with Him. Malcolm Smith, in his book,
The Power of the Blood Covenant, says, "The miracle of the new birth, by which we pass from the death of sin into the eternal life of the new covenant, is to be understood as our being actually joined to Christ."
First Corinthians 6:17 says, "the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him." Way cool! I don't fully understand that, but I love it! I find myself worrying less about whether I can be good and loving, because I just go where God's Spirit in me is taking me.
In closing, I will say that God has done a lot in my life, and I am so thankful for all of it. I pray that this gives you hope that you'll see Him do a lot in your life too.
Blessings,
Sandra
