A Rescue and an Identity

God did two really amazing things for me this week. As part of my class at Exchanged Lives, I spend some one-on-one time with a supervisor. I had talked to my supervisor, Bret, about how I tend to feel unimportant, unloved (in spite of the fact that people DO love me) and worthless. I was getting ready to go back and meet with Bret so we could pray through that stuff. I was getting apprehensive because even though Bret is an exceptionally kindhearted man, I was not wanting him to learn more about how much of a confused and clueless loser I am. At that point my thoughts of being a loser got so intense, like: nobody wants me and I don't belong on this planet; I'm unworthy to breathe the air, and I'm alone. In my mind was a picture of me being pushed further and further into a dark hole, and I was scared. At this point I wondered, where is God? And immediately the Lord put a song into my mind:
You are my hiding place,
You always fill my heart with songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You
I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong in the strength of my Lord.
This song comes from Psalm 32 and Psalm 56. It calmed me right down, and it was so wonderful to see God come to the rescue of the damsel in distress. The other thing that impressed me was that I didn't have to compose a religious prayer to get His attention. I didn't even have a chance to pray for help, yet there He was in an instant to pull me out of my darkness.
Two days later I prayed with Bret and forgave myself for all the judgments I had made against myself--all the many ways that I believed I was a failure, worthless, etc. Bret explained to me that it says in Matthew 7:1 that we shouldn't judge, and that includes judging ourselves. After forgiving myself, I realized that God had long ago forgiven me for all that. And continuing the train of thought, I saw that when God looks at me, He never ever sees sin; it's forgiven. He only sees His goodness that He put in me. And I need to see myself the way God sees me; otherwise I'm not seeing the truth. I came away thinking, maybe I'm OK after all. This has given me a lot of happiness, and confidence.
(Dear sister Susan, rejoice, rejoice; your sister may have finally stopped being hard on herself).

Thoughts from Malcolm Smith about God's Love

For my Exchanged Lives class, I listened to a message by Malcolm Smith which was very good. Here are some thoughts I got from it: "Toxic love" is when we need to be needed by others. Sometimes we also need to be able to fix others. (The truth is that only God can fix them). Toxic love is looking to others for love and appreciation. It is us trying to be what others want us to be. Real love starts with us knowing God's love for us and how much He values us. God decided that we were worth the blood of His Son. That's unlimited value. When we know that we're loved by God unconditionally, we repent of trying to earn His love. That changes our relationships with others. We are no longer coming to them trying to suck love out of them. We know we're valued.
All real love comes from God, even if it comes to us through people. When we know this, if human love fails, we know that God Himself makes up for it.
If we get our significance from God, we don't have to try to get it from our job, and trying to do our job perfectly.
People who know God's love can give and receive. People in the "toxic love" mindset can't receive honor that comes to them from others. They feel unworthy and are operating out of their shame.
My conclusion from all of this is that we need to get to know God's unconditional love and be secure in that. Then we're free to give others the same kind of love.

Another Lie

Well, if you haven't read my last post, you might want to read it before you read this one, because this is a continuation of that story. I was talking about the lie that I tend to believe, that I have to be perfect to be accepted by God. Well, here's the other lie I tend to believe: that I am worthless and a failure. I believe this because I'm used to defining myself apart from God. And believing yet another lie: that life is done independently of God. In my case, I think I should be doing life well even though I'm looking to my own resources, not God's. That doesn't work. No wonder I worry about failure. Failure is inevitable, or as Jesus put it: "Apart from Me you can do nothing."
Here's the truth about who I am: God abides in me, and I in God (1 John 4:15). Wow. Like, really wow. That makes me amazing, but only in Christ, not apart from Him. Here's what else God says about me: He loves me so much that He made me His child, just because I accepted His gift of salvation in Jesus. He values me so much that He sent His only Son to die so that I could be His,
forever. I am valuable because I am valued by God. So are you. I pray that God will reveal His love to our hearts more and more.

A Wonderful God Moment

I was reading in Luke 15 about the prodigal son and I got to the part where he says, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son." I wrote in my journal, "I so feel this." Not that I was feeling guilty about any particular sin. I just walk around in that mode a lot. I then went to lyrics.com and clicked on Casting Crowns' song, "East to West". The song started playing and there was a video with it. I saw a man lying on the floor of a jail cell, motionless, the picture of hopelessness and despair. It made me cry. I can so relate to that feeling of giving up and having no hope. I think it comes from being a perfectionist. I think I have to be perfect to be accepted by God and others (in spite of the fact that nothing could be further from the truth). If I think I have to be perfect to be accepted, then of course I expect rejection. It's a sad cloud to live under. BUT: It's a lie! Hallelujah, it's a lie! Here's the truth about how God feels about sinners: "when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him." The unconditional love of God makes me so happy.
By the way, "East to West" is a great song. I like the line that says, "in the arms of Your mercy I find rest." Hey, just like the prodigal son's father.

January's letter of the month: S for snow

And did you know that snowflakes are formed around particles of dust? God turns dirt into beauty, I love it! It reminds me of Isaiah 1:18 "Come now, let us reason together," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow." I need that so much; thank the Lord.