Neediness

I've read a number of Henri Nouwen's books and have been very impressed by the way his writings minister to my emotional needs.  I discovered what I consider to be the secret of Nouwen's effectiveness in comforting and encouraging me:  his neediness.  At one point in his life he had an emotional breakdown and went to a retreat center where a daily spiritual routine and psychotherapy addressed his deep need to be physically held and emotionally affirmed.  In his book Finding My Way Home, Nouwen wrote, "...in our weakness our familiar ways of controlling and manipulating our world are being stripped away and we are forced to let go from doing much, thinking much, and relying on our self-sufficiency.  Right there where we are most vulnerable, the peace that is not of this world is mysteriously hidden."
This is good news for me, because as I look at my life, I see issues and neediness.  I was a pathologically shy child--extremely quiet.  I was scared to talk to the popular kids or adults.  Any time someone was more skilled than I, socially or otherwise, I felt inferior.  My way of dealing with this was to be a perfectionist.  But perfection was impossible and even excellence was only achieved in some arenas.  When Jesus came into my life, I should have rejoiced in His unconditional love, which I did to some extent.  But I also became a Christian achiever.  I accepted God's forgiveness, but my heart didn't understand that God accepted me unconditionally in every day life; nor did I fully believe that God made me righteous in Christ, and self-made righteousness was unnecessary/impossible (Romans 5:17, Philippians 3:9).  I'll never forget the peace that flooded my heart the first time I said no to the lie that I have to do everything right to be a good person, and yes to the truth that Jesus has given me the gift of righteousness, and that is what makes me a good person.  As Nouwen said, this peace is not of this world, and it comes to us right where we are most vulnerable.