There was a year or two of my life when I wondered if I had committed the unforgivable sin and had lost my salvation. I don't struggle with this as much any more, but this week I've been wondering about it again. I've given up on trying to define what Jesus meant by "blasphemy against the Spirit" (Matthew 12:31). It has helped me a lot more to look at His character and His way of thinking.
The sin I'm wondering about is when God doesn't do things the way I think He should and I get angry and accuse Him of wrongdoing. I always repent of this quickly, but I have worried that this disrespect for the Lord might be repaid with His wrath. Today He quieted my heart with 1 Samuel 16:7 which says that the Lord looks at the heart. The Pharisees in Matthew 12 had no desire to honor the Lord, but only to accuse Him. I, on the other hand, had no desire to dishonor God; I was merely having a moment of struggle in my faith. After my brief anger, I chose to continue to believe in God's goodness. I don't think the Lord kicks people out of heaven for struggling, hallelujah! Rather, I think He saw this as a victory for me, since in the end I gave him my vote of confidence. Also, it was a great opportunity for Him to work on jarring me out of my legalistic thinking.
About legalistic thinking: what a burden! Every moment I'm anxious because I'm afraid I'll sin or make a mistake and someone will be angry at me. But because the Lord made me His child when I trusted in Jesus, He never gets angry at me (Isaiah 54:9, Hebrews 8:12). His forgiveness is so complete and before-the-fact (meaning that He forgave my future sins at the moment of my salvation) that He's still delighted with me even when I've just sinned. Often I can picture the smiling face of Jesus, and this is especially comforting when I've just committed sin. Amazing grace!
I pray that we will all experience this grace more in 2013.
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